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eglaf2016-06-24 01:20 am
baneofpaley) wrote in eglaf2016-06-24 01:20 am
Sirius Black
open post
FEEL FREE TO DROP A STARTER OR SUGGEST A LINE WITH SIRIUS HERE. PROSE, ACTION AND TEXT ARE ALL WELCOME, PREFER M/F FOR SHIPPING BUT UP FOR M/M. BELOW ARE SOME AU'S/THEMES I LIKE TO PLAY WITH HIM:
YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY!
She had lost her husband. And maybe she had been cocky to think that they could come through this without a loss of life. Yes, they had had the discussion about it being a possibility. Lily had been stupid not to truly face the possibility, but she never could have prepared for how she felt now, and for how hard it was. Her son would never know his father.
The sheer determination and will that she had been running on had definitely run out. It didn't mean that Lily didn't care, on the contrary, but she was exhausted from holding herself together, and from the events that had transpired. If it hadn't been Sirius to walk through that door....she honestly didn't know what she would have done. She didn't know if she would have held it together, considering the constant stream of tears that still hadn't let up. Lily hardly realized she was crying, despite the way that her eyes hurt; that could have been due to the lack of sleep, easily, though.
She was so overwhelmed, not that that was anything new, and despite the fact that Sirius was speaking to her....not everything was landing completely. For, probably, the first time in her life Lily was completely at another person's mercy, but it was Sirius, so...she knew she was safe. There was nothing to be said, but he was here and at the moment that meant everything. Clearing her throat and attempting to take a deep breath, only to tremble a little more, Lily gave a nod. "I....I-I didn't mean to fall apart." The words fell flat, at least in her ears. Was that really her voice? Did she sound that broken? "I was trying....trying so hard to keep it together for....for...." Lily settled onto the couch, thanks to him, before she jumped at the sound of the kettle. "Bloody...I forgot I put it on."
Sirius did make for a pretty big distraction when she hadn't been expecting anyone. She was so grateful that he was here, though. Pulling each end of the blanket that she just then realize was around her, Lily forced herself to take one, two, three deep breaths....getting her breathing under control, even if there were still tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. Holding her blanket closed with one hand, she brought her left up to wipe her face, not bothering to address the tea yet, because she realized that Sirius had to be terrified.
Merlin, Sirius loved Harry, and she knew it. So with a hand that shook more than it ever had, Lily pointed to the bedroom that she had left earlier. "Sleeping. He's sleeping.....safely. He's...he's none the wiser." There was a minute amount of relief in her voice at that, but she knew...if it were James he'd want to check. And she couldn't blame Sirius if he needed to do the same. "You can look in on him, see for yourself." The young mother offered with a voice weighed down by, what felt like, the world.
In the back of her mind she knew that Harry would be happy to see his uncle once he woke up. Right now, though, she was the one that was happy to see him. Though, happy probably wasn't the correct word for it.
DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY EMOTIONS.
Once Sirius had returned and Lily informed him that Harry was sleeping peacefully in the other room he couldn't help but cover his mouth with his hand, his head turning away from her and his eyes closing. He was here. He was safe. Her offer to let him check in on the child sent an overwhelming urge to stand and run to the bedroom through him but he held back, uncertain as to whether or not he should. Lily was here and she needed him, Sirius wasn't sure if he was comfortable leaving her on the couch by herself, not with that shaken, distant look in her eye. She wouldn't lie about Harry being safe, but it was Harry. Sirius hadn't seen the boy since before his first birthday, when Lily and James went into hiding that was the last time he had seen his godson. And Merlin, did Sirius love that baby... he loved him more than he thought he could love anything. Harry wasn't his son, but Sirius was his godfather and he had never held a title so sacred in his life; a Black, a Gryffindor, a rebel, an Auror, a best man, a friend, a brother, even a Secret Keeper for a short amount of time. None of them came close to the importance that he felt when it came to little Harry, and that was overwhelming enough to have him look at Lily and reach out to grasp her hand.
"I'll be right back." He promised her quietly. "I'll be right back, I'm just - I'll be right back, I want to see him." He brought Lily's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it in apology before he stood and walked hurriedly to Harry's bedroom door, his footing light to avoid waking the boy. Sirius cracked the door open, telling himself that he would just take a peek and return to Lily as soon as he could, but he froze in the doorway when he saw the toddler sitting up in his crib, quiet and content with staring out the window at the half moon in the sky. The sound of the door opening had caught his attention and Harry looked over with big eyes wide awake, staring at the man in the doorway, and in that moment Sirius found that he wasn't able to breathe.
"Now what are you doing up?" He managed to choke out the words, finding the strength to walk in, and curious little eyes followed him as he approached before releasing a sound that resembled a choked, sad huff of laughter. "Look at you, full head of hair... look how big you've gotten..." Months. It had been over four months since Sirius had last seen his godson, and four months sounded so short until he saw the physical changes in Harry. He stood beside the crib with uncertainty, looking down at the little boy with only the light of the moon outside to guide his vision, and he pushed his fingers through his hair in anxiety. Four months. The little bugger probably didn't even remember him-
"Up."
Harry's stubby arms reached out into the air, and apparently Sirius' stunned silence had gone on too long because he gave a frustrated grunt and waved his little hands. "Pads. Up. Up."
Sirius didn't know when his vision started to blur, but he scooped Harry up in his arms so quickly that the toddler giggled, as if they were playing a game. Sirius embraced him tightly with a hand on the back of his head, his lips pressed against a chubby cheek in a long kiss before he parted to suck in a shuddering breath. "That's my lad. So brave. So brave," Sirius rocked him, peppering kisses on Harry's thick head of hair as he swayed with him back and forth, one hand moving to wipe under his own eyes with another weak, thick laugh. "Look at you little fawn. Not so little anymore, hmm?" He wished that James could see this. He wished that James could be here to laugh at how ridiculous Sirius was being, and mock him for showing emotion because 'feelings aren't very badass, Padfoot.' Most of all, Sirius wished he was here for Harry, because he deserved to be held by his father. His real father. He deserved to remember him, and know what he looked like. He deserved to remember the sound of James' voice, or his first scolding. He deserved to be able to make disgusted sounds when he saw his parents kissing, he deserved to be taught how to play Quidditch or to have someone there to talk to him about girls, and tell him first hand the ridiculous story that as how his parents fell in love first hand. He deserved James, and even if Sirius was the best damn godfather in the world, he could never be James.
"No." Harry protested in light confusion as a little hand covered Sirius' eye, wiping up his tears and dragging his hand on Sirius' shirt. Sirius took a deep breath and shook his head, a small smile forced to the surface. "Don't you tell me 'no', I've had a long month, you."
Harry grinned and clapped his hands together, delighted to be given the opportunity to disagree. "No!"
Perhaps parts of James would never die after all.
"Ah, that's going to be lovely, I can already tell. Let's go see Mummy, I think that she needs company right now."
"Mumma!"
"Mhm, that's right." Sirius shifted Harry in his arms more comfortably before turning to walk out of the room, seeing Lily still on the couch as he returned to her. "Someone was awake," he explained quietly, Harry too distracted with Sirius' hair to give Lily his full attention.
"Mumma, Pads." He announced Sirius' presence, little fingers playing with the long black strands. Sirius sat beside Lily again, Harry content for now sitting in his lap and playing with the buttons of his shirt, and Sirius moved a free hand to brush Lily's hair out of her tear-stained face. "Everybody thought you were gone," he admitted quietly, lips pressed together in a thin line. Everybody but him, but that was more out of denial. Not evidence. Sirius just got lucky.
YOU'RE PROJECTING!!!!! THAT'S YOU! ;__;
Lily hated this.
She was almost glad that Sirius wanted, no needed if she knew him at all, to see Harry. Squeezing his hand as he brought it up to his lips, Lily tried to be reassuring, but it was a piss poor attempt with the tears hat were still seeping from her eyes and the red tint to her cheeks thrown into the mix with the dark circles under her eyes. "I'll be here." She managed to croak out; she wasn't going anywhere. If Lily had anything to say about it she'd never leave her son, she was all that he had anymore.
Lily adjusted her blanket so that she could pick her mug up, bringing it up to her lips and blowing on the steaming liquid before taking a tentative sip. It was hot, but there was something almost invigorating about just how scalding the tea was. Lily wasn't in a hurry to drink her tea, though, so she put the mug back down and wiped at her face with the edges of the blanket.
There were so many things that she wanted to ask Sirius. She wanted to know how he had wound up here, and what had lead to it. She wanted to know if there was any message given about what they should be doing here. There was too much going through both the logical and emotional parts of Lily's brain to figure out what to focus on.
Raking her hand through her hair, Lily reached for her mug to take another sip, still holding the mug (thankfully, beginning to shake a little less) when she heard Sirius' voice. It wasn't easy to force the small smile to her mouth, but she did it anyway, seeing the little boy that was James made all-over...other than in the eyes. The mug clanked against the table as Lily sat it down. "Too much excitement, and noise." Lily guessed, clearing her throat, sounding slightly less froggy than before, though, still not quite herself, even though she was trying. "I see Pads, sweetheart." Lily answered her son, leaning back to watch the two of them.
She'd nearly forgotten how much Sirius loved her little boy, and it was slightly heartwarming to see them together again. Green eyes focusing in on the man who should have been her Secret Keeper, Lily didn't know what to do other than to nod. "Dumbledore...he said that would keep us safe after..." Lily trailed off, sniffling. "I didn't know what else to do in the moment, so I just listened to him. Why are you here, Sirius? What's been going on since? Did he give you any message before you came here?" Lily asked, trying to focus on that now, rather than continuing to fall apart, her gaze moving between her son and one of her best friends.....one that she hadn't been sure she would see again for some time, and yet....here he was.
]:<
He rocked Harry for a few moments in silence, staring down at him because he couldn't look at Lily just yet, and when he knew he couldn't delay any longer his forced words croaked out of him as if clawing and scratching their way from his throat in protest. "I went." It was followed with a failed attempt to clear his throat. "As soon as I heard, I went. You were gone. Harry was gone." The child shifted a little in his arms once Sirius said his name but only settled again, his eyes fluttering to a close this time. Sirius' voice lowered. "Albus said you were dead, that Harry had been taken to Petunia's. Didn't make sense to me," he huffed the last part a bit more gruffly, and when Harry's breathing evened out Sirius stood instead of continuing to bring the boy back to his room and place him in his crib. He lingered, staring down at the child for as long as he knew he could get away with before he left with the door cracked, heavy feet carrying him back to the sitting room where he stood before Lily with his hand running down his face.
"So I went to look. I didn't understand why Harry would be put with Vernon, of all people, he should have gone to me. That's when I found out that he wasn't there, and that's when I realized that Dumbledore was lying." Despite his effort to sound strictly factual there was a bitterness seeping into his tone, and Sirius moved as if to sit again before turning around and pacing back to his previous location in the center of the room, hands on his waist. "I argued with him, I told him that I had a right to know where you were. If anyone had a right to know, it was me, but he wouldn't tell me. I didn't have anything left, I couldn't find you." He said it as if trying to justify his next action. Perhaps he was. "So I went after Peter." He couldn't look at her when he said the name, his eyes darkening with anger before closing completely.
"He killed twelve muggles. Right there, in the middle of the road, broad light. Nothing left of him but his finger." Sirius tossed his hand in the air as his words quickened, his impatience to get through the memory evident. "I was arrested, charged. With that... with you, with James." He gave a passing glance and, despite the fact that Sirius knew that he wasn't directly responsible, he still looked apologetic before looking away once more in guilt. "Spent five days in there before the old bastard decided to get himself moving. He helped get me out. Put me here. And here we are." His shoulders moved in a lame shrug. "You're dead. I'm a fugitive. And Harry is in the muggle suburbs. There's no message, I don't - ...I don't know how long we'll be here for."
:p also holy shit I'm sorry
All that did was worry the young mother even more with the question...why?
Green eyes dragged from the man that she knew she could trust with her own, and Harry's, lives to her toddler. Lily could feel the guilt settling into the pit of her stomach, not only for what he no longer had, but for how upset his life had been with all of this. She knew that she hadn't been at her best since.... She could just barely keep herself from thinking about her husband, sniffling lightly, and reaching out for her tea in an attempt to avoid her thoughts, and to attempt to calm herself. She didn't want to cry more tonight, especially not with Harry in Sirius' arms showing all of the signs of just how tuckered out he was.
Lily made no comment while she wanted, her soft, sad gaze on her little boy....James' mini-me until Sirius' voice broke through the overwhelmingly thick silence.
The new widow wished that she hadn't asked the questions, selfishly. Of course Sirius had gone to their home. The knowledge of what he had obviously seen caused Lily to close her eyes, the memory of the event itself running through her brain again. Sirius was like James' brother, and knowing that the man next to her had seen his brother like that....broke Lily's heart for him just as much as she felt the very same for her son. He didn't know what he'd seen, not truly, but he had seen his father in passing. These were details that she wouldn't soon be able to forget. Peeling her eyes open, Lily couldn't help but frown.
Despite the fact that she loved Petunia, she never wanted her child to be placed with her family....not that family. She and James had made that decision already. So, the thought that her child might ever be placed with the sister who had hurt her so often...more than displeased the blanket-clad witch. She avoided making a comment, though, instead glad for the reprieve as Sirius carried Harry to bed--it made it just slightly easier for Lily to control the temper, the anger, that rose up at the very thought that Albus would even put that idea out there; that would never happen. Over her dead body....which was possible, but Sirius would never abandon Harry, she knew him much better than that.
Picking up her mug again, Lily brought it to her lips, and then held it...quite the sight wrapped in the blanket with red-rimmed eyes, messy hair, and holding her steaming cup. She was sure she looked as pathetic as she felt, but couldn't quite muster up any ability to actually care because that wasn't what was important right now. What Sirius had to say, however, was. So, green eyes followed the man as he moved with his nervous energy, listening carefully to what he had to say and her frown growing, along with her mood darkening by the moment.
Too many questions were popping into Lily's head, and far too many of them questions that Sirius couldn't even answer. Merlin, Lily felt overwhelmed and guilty and more than a little bit fried at this point. "He should have told you. He knew....knows he can trust you." Lily ground out, her tone relaying the fact that her temper hadn't quite quieted yet; she stared, though, at her friend...the name Peter ringing out and getting her complete attention, not helping her current state. Lily didn't hate, not really, but she hated Pettigrew now. And hearing what he'd done she moved to put her mug down, sitting it a little too hard. "Those poor muggles...." Lily muttered, torn between raving and crying at the moment.
How could they all have been so wrong about him? She was caught up in her thoughts, in her upset with the betrayal, but she didn't miss what her friend said and that was when she finally snapped. "Sirius Black, don't you dare blame yourself, or so help me...." Lily spoke, haggardly, not quite managing the full force she would normally have. She wanted to scream...and cry all at once. There were even tears lingering in her green orbs as she reached her friend, grasping his arms without hesitation. "I'm....Sirius...I'm so sorry...for everything that I...that he put you through. I can't imagine what you've been through after seeing," She couldn't say his name in the moment, so she continued in her disjointed manner of the moment, "...and then thinking we were gone too...and being bloody arrested...." Lily's voice broke, her throat tightening before she threw her arms around her friend and hugged him as tightly as she possibly could. He'd lost someone just as surely as she and Harry had, and Lily couldn't forget that.
Her apologies didn't feel like enough, nothing did. This all felt so wrong, and Lily could barely express herself right now, so overwhelmed with...everything. She had to be strong, though, for Harry. She sniffled, attempting to banish the emotions that were still intermingling and fighting for which would win out as the most prominent. "I'm so...sorry Sirius, but....I'm relieved you're here....selfish as it is...." She knew, or at least felt, that she wasn't making any sense, but she couldn't help it.
Angry as she was about the way things had been handled, she was glad to have him here, no matter the hell he'd been through to get here....and the uncertainty of what was to come from here on out. Merlin, she felt like she'd lost her mind, which was probably the fatigue and emotions overwhelming her at the moment. Though, maybe she had. She felt like she'd lost damn near everything but Sirius and Harry....and she just had to hold onto that knowledge for now.....and do her best to move forward because Harry, and probably even Sirius to an extent....just the way she needed him right now, needed her.
look. what. you. did.
It wasn't like that with James.
Even in a war, no one truly prepared themselves to bury their best friend. Brother. Even when their numbers began to thin, members of the Order coming back bloodied and broken with less people than they had left with, it didn't make it real. The Prewitt brothers, Marlene, Dorcas... losing them was devastating, but after the first two funerals, one grew numb to the others. They were friends, good friends, but they weren't James. They hadn't prepared him for James.
In the mess of it all, the switching of secret keepers and the decision to put the Potters in hiding, Sirius never truly embraced the possibility of them still losing. It was hard, tensions were high, but it was all for the greater good. If they did this, James would be fine. If they put them into hiding, Lily would live to see her next birthday. If they switched secret keepers, little Harry would be around to take his first steps. That was just how it was, in Sirius' head. If they did what they had to do, they would be alright. No one could be prepared for the situation where everything was done right, and yet the battle was still lost. That was what it felt like; as the world celebrated, Sirius felt as if he had been alone, because unlike the throngs of people singing in the streets and stumbling out of bars, he lost. Sirius lost the war.
As Lily spoke with such earnest determination to insist that he couldn't possibly blame himself, Black could only look at her in silence with an expression that could only be described as abandon. Of course it was his fault, he had known that since the moment he had heard.
The door was already open when he arrived, splintered wood strewn across the floor. The hall seemed dark - too dark even for night, as if it swallowed light itself, and Sirius bound up the stairs two at a time screaming James and Lily's names.
The decision to switch their secret keeper was made by more than one person but Sirius had been one of them. It could have been Remus. If it had been Remus, none of this would have happened; James would be here. The shattered family left in his wake would be whole, but Sirius didn't trust Remus. A second betrayal that he couldn't even bring himself to speak of.
The silence was all consuming and deafening at the same time, Sirius' feet hitting the landing of the top floor the only sound that rang through the house. He didn't see him. In the dark, and in his haste to find the nursery and check on Harry, Sirius didn't see the body until his foot caught on it's arm and he stumbled over him, hitting the ground with a solid, bone-rattling collision. He glanced back so briefly as if expecting to see a turned up rug or a toy in his path before he looked back again with terror stricken eyes, filled with recognition. James. It was James.
All that he needed to do was think more clearly. Speak to Remus of his suspicions instead of letting them fester in his head and grow into something that he now saw as preposterous, nonsensical. Irrational. To think Remus as the traitor among them as the real one comforted him, rubbing his back with promises of safety for Prongs' future. For the future of the only family Sirius had left. And Sirius, damn him... Sirius believed him. Every word.
The silence returned and he didn't know how long he lay there, spread on the newly swept floor with his elbow beneath him to hold himself upright, high enough to see. It felt like hours and Sirius didn't breathe although his lips were parted, and he waited. He waited for James to move, to laugh, to blink, eyes open and unseeing, but he did none of those things. He stay stagnant, and Sirius watched him for so long that he could almost see the lines that had frozen in his face, that look of determination in the face of true danger.
"Prongs?" Sirius sounded like a child again, voice small and insignificant enough to be lost in the hall the moment the word passed his lips. It was a question. It went unanswered. Sirius' wand was still in his hand, knuckles white with his vice-like grip, and he hadn't realized that he was trembling until he started to advance with such hindered movement that it felt as if it had taken another age just to sit up completely. "James?" Thick this time, as if his throat was starting to close, and his lips quivered as he approached with an extended hand, the tremors worsening in time with the closing distance between them. His fingertips finally brushed against an alabaster cheek, barely a graze, but as soon as it happened Sirius startled so violently that he almost knocked himself back, arm pulling away as if he had been badly burned.
The sound of his wand clattering across the wooden floor went unnoticed as Sirius frantically pushed himself back across the landing, arms and legs thrashing to propel himself as far as he could without thought before his back crashed into the wall.
He was cold. He was so cold.
Logic had been lost and in that moment, and as the pain in his chest seemed to demolish him from the inside out, Sirius was certain that he was going to die. His mind fell into a vicious and unforgiving cycle, because he knew right away that he had never felt such pain in his short but turbulent life, and he stared at James in need for him to get up and tell Sirius that he was going to be alright. He wouldn't - couldn't - and that fed into the crushing agony that was quickly spreading through Sirius body like a physical virus, devouring every small part of him that was left in all of this. His hands gripped his long hair at the scalp, and his face contorted in a gnarled and horrible way, tears already surging from him as he rocked himself to collide back into the wall in mindless repetition. They weren't invincible. They weren't immortal. They were ephemeral. And now they were gone.
Sirius was still screaming by the time Dumbledore found him.
It was his fault.
It could have all been avoided if he had been smarter. Rational. Prudent. He had been so certain, and that recklessness took away what Sirius truly held most dear. It took away Lily's husband; Harry's father. Who was he to tell Lily that she was wrong? He was no one to search for her comfort, only the man who had caused her sorrow in the first place, and the crushing guilt that came with her embrace was almost enough to paralyze him. Sirius escaped from Azkaban because Dumbledore had shown up to drag him away from the prison, but a part of Sirius didn't want to go. He belonged there. He deserved to be there.
His arms wrapped around Lily tightly as if he was afraid that his hold was the only thing keeping her there; as if Death itself would come to drag her away if he didn't keep it from being so. She was glad that he was around, and that shattered him. He should have been James. If he had only been James, Lily would have the future and life that she truly deserved and Harry would have the father that should raise him. If it had been Sirius in James' place, a good man would still be here to care for his family, and someone with no family to speak of, no connections, would have disappeared in the background. Nothing more than a warm memory that came up now and again during dinner time with stories of childhood.
"I wish I could fix it." It was all Sirius could manage to say as his fingers twisted into the back of her nightgown, tears blurring his vision as he held onto her, and despite how hard he tried to not tell her, to not make his sorrow yet another burden that he placed on her shoulders, Sirius shook with a single sob that he couldn't hold back. "I miss him so much, Lils. I miss him so much, I just want him to be the one here with you. I'd give anything. I'd give everything.."
MISTAKES WERE MADE
War, and Voldemort, had put them in the predicament that they had been backed into. If there was anyone to blame for this it was him, and those that did his bidding. The loving mother felt like anything but with the fiery rage bubbling in her gut, thinking about the friend that had obviously betrayed them. Nobody had known. Nobody had any clue of what that awful, lump of a human being had been up to.
She couldn't blame Sirius for trying to do everything that he could to protect them....that was all that he had ever done, in his own special way. He would have died rather than hurt James; Lily didn't doubt that fact, and in fact, knew it down to her bones. Remus wouldn't have either, but their group of friends had been at...a crossroads of sorts. The war had been taking a toll on everyone, and Lily had been able to see it all too keenly. War seemed to manage to wear away at even the most solid of bonds. She had assumed that Peter and her husband, as well as the rest of them, had had one of those solid bonds.
She couldn't manage to hold onto the anger long enough to have any real urge to do anything with it, not right now, and certainly not with the loss still so...fresh. Lily wasn't a violent person; she had a temper, but she didn't normally want to hurt people. There was a part of her that wanted to hurt Peter, but she knew that it wouldn't bring James back. There was nothing that was going to bring the love of her life back. She was a widow now, and even if it still caused her pause and she still felt the urge to let the tears for what would never be flow....Lily knew that she couldn't change it. Eventually, she would reach her quota for tears, though, she wasn't sure if that was the absolute truth. Could you ever cry enough tears for someone that you really love and miss, for the rest of your life? James wouldn't want her to cry over him forever, but she could feel the loss deep in her chest.
He wouldn't be back, though, either way. Lily had to remember that fact. She couldn't be...ignorant. She had to face the truth and she needed to continue the move forward because of what she did have to forge forward for.
Burying her face into Sirius' shoulder for a moment, Lily knew that he wasn't a replacement for James. He'd never be him. James wasn't an option now, though. HE was the next best thing, though, because he had known her husband for so long. The two of them had been as thick as thieves. He'd make sure that Harry knew his father, even if just through the stories that he could tell. Lily had never thought that she would be a single mother. She had always thought that either she and James would be alive to raise their son....or neither would. The idea that she would have to do it on her own....it was new and daunting.
Sirius wasn't Harry's father. He wasn't James. But he would help. Remus too if they were ever allowed to come out of hiding, she was sure. Would they, though?
Pulling her face back, Lily slid a hand up to the back of Sirius' head, a few tears escaping green eyes that were already sore and heavy. "You can't fix it, love." She whispered, her throat sore from everything, and from the emotion that she was doing her damnedest to hold in. They were both the biggest of messes at the moment. I was clear to see that the pain he felt was....immeasurable, just like her own, even if it was a different sort of loss. Lily wasn't selfish enough to pretend that he wasn't suffering just as much as she was. He'd been friends with James much longer than the two of them had been in a relationship; he'd lost the person who had always been there for him, everything else be damned, and she knew that....even with the grief, anger, sadness, self-pity, and everything that she was struggling to maintain at the moment.
Shushing her friend, James' friend, Lily ran her hand down the back of his head and then down to his back where she began to run soothing circles between his shoulder blades. She'd wished there had been someone to do this for her, initially, and nobody had. She wouldn't ever dream of abandoning him, of truly pulling away, in this situation. "I know, I know." Lily soothed, a thick lump in her throat, just holding him, knowing that all she could do for her husband's brother was let him get it out and be there. "I miss him too, Sirius, but we can't....." Her breath an out and Lily was forced to suck a deep breath in, trying to focus on the feel of his shirt under her palm and not the pain, not the lifeless eyes looking up at her without his glasses...and certainly not the last things he'd yelled out, his attempt to protect his family. "We can't go back and change what happened. He can't be here, love. And he'd never ask you to give everything up for him."
Lily could feel the heat in her face from her efforts to be strong. If she kept trying, eventually she would get there, she hoped. Right now, she still felt weak. James would have been the first to tell her she was being ridiculous. The thought almost shattered her then and there, but she kept it together. For now, anyway.
"I would never ask you either." Lily pulled back, forcing herself to, so that she could grasp her friend's shoulders and look at him. "James...." Saying his name brought more tears flooding into her eyes and Lily paused just long enough to be able to speak without a whimper, clearing her throat. "James would want us to be strong. He'd want us to be strong for each other and for Harry. He....he wouldn't want us feeling guilty...or....." The redhead's voice cracked and she took another breath, letting it out after a moment as a tear slid down her right cheek.
"Or wishing it were one of us." Merlin help her, she'd had the thought more than once since being left here with her little boy. She knew that wasn't what James would want, and even amidst her emotion, Lily knew what her husband wanted. Getting there was going to take time, but by Merlin they were going to get there. Period. She wouldn't disappoint him, and Sirius didn't have a choice in the matter.
The had to be strong. They had to keep moving forward. The just had to let the emotion out first....then they'd focus on moving forward, Lily swore to herself.