Seeing Sirius so....lost and wrapped up in what had happened....Lily had an idea of what she had looked like to him when he'd first come into the cottage. He looked as lost as she felt. And...Lily just had to remind herself, mentally, that it wasn't her fault and it wasn't Sirius'. He never would have put her family in danger; she never would have put her family in danger.
War, and Voldemort, had put them in the predicament that they had been backed into. If there was anyone to blame for this it was him, and those that did his bidding. The loving mother felt like anything but with the fiery rage bubbling in her gut, thinking about the friend that had obviously betrayed them. Nobody had known. Nobody had any clue of what that awful, lump of a human being had been up to.
She couldn't blame Sirius for trying to do everything that he could to protect them....that was all that he had ever done, in his own special way. He would have died rather than hurt James; Lily didn't doubt that fact, and in fact, knew it down to her bones. Remus wouldn't have either, but their group of friends had been at...a crossroads of sorts. The war had been taking a toll on everyone, and Lily had been able to see it all too keenly. War seemed to manage to wear away at even the most solid of bonds. She had assumed that Peter and her husband, as well as the rest of them, had had one of those solid bonds.
She couldn't manage to hold onto the anger long enough to have any real urge to do anything with it, not right now, and certainly not with the loss still so...fresh. Lily wasn't a violent person; she had a temper, but she didn't normally want to hurt people. There was a part of her that wanted to hurt Peter, but she knew that it wouldn't bring James back. There was nothing that was going to bring the love of her life back. She was a widow now, and even if it still caused her pause and she still felt the urge to let the tears for what would never be flow....Lily knew that she couldn't change it. Eventually, she would reach her quota for tears, though, she wasn't sure if that was the absolute truth. Could you ever cry enough tears for someone that you really love and miss, for the rest of your life? James wouldn't want her to cry over him forever, but she could feel the loss deep in her chest.
He wouldn't be back, though, either way. Lily had to remember that fact. She couldn't be...ignorant. She had to face the truth and she needed to continue the move forward because of what she did have to forge forward for.
Burying her face into Sirius' shoulder for a moment, Lily knew that he wasn't a replacement for James. He'd never be him. James wasn't an option now, though. HE was the next best thing, though, because he had known her husband for so long. The two of them had been as thick as thieves. He'd make sure that Harry knew his father, even if just through the stories that he could tell. Lily had never thought that she would be a single mother. She had always thought that either she and James would be alive to raise their son....or neither would. The idea that she would have to do it on her own....it was new and daunting.
Sirius wasn't Harry's father. He wasn't James. But he would help. Remus too if they were ever allowed to come out of hiding, she was sure. Would they, though?
Pulling her face back, Lily slid a hand up to the back of Sirius' head, a few tears escaping green eyes that were already sore and heavy. "You can't fix it, love." She whispered, her throat sore from everything, and from the emotion that she was doing her damnedest to hold in. They were both the biggest of messes at the moment. I was clear to see that the pain he felt was....immeasurable, just like her own, even if it was a different sort of loss. Lily wasn't selfish enough to pretend that he wasn't suffering just as much as she was. He'd been friends with James much longer than the two of them had been in a relationship; he'd lost the person who had always been there for him, everything else be damned, and she knew that....even with the grief, anger, sadness, self-pity, and everything that she was struggling to maintain at the moment.
Shushing her friend, James' friend, Lily ran her hand down the back of his head and then down to his back where she began to run soothing circles between his shoulder blades. She'd wished there had been someone to do this for her, initially, and nobody had. She wouldn't ever dream of abandoning him, of truly pulling away, in this situation. "I know, I know." Lily soothed, a thick lump in her throat, just holding him, knowing that all she could do for her husband's brother was let him get it out and be there. "I miss him too, Sirius, but we can't....." Her breath an out and Lily was forced to suck a deep breath in, trying to focus on the feel of his shirt under her palm and not the pain, not the lifeless eyes looking up at her without his glasses...and certainly not the last things he'd yelled out, his attempt to protect his family. "We can't go back and change what happened. He can't be here, love. And he'd never ask you to give everything up for him."
Lily could feel the heat in her face from her efforts to be strong. If she kept trying, eventually she would get there, she hoped. Right now, she still felt weak. James would have been the first to tell her she was being ridiculous. The thought almost shattered her then and there, but she kept it together. For now, anyway.
"I would never ask you either." Lily pulled back, forcing herself to, so that she could grasp her friend's shoulders and look at him. "James...." Saying his name brought more tears flooding into her eyes and Lily paused just long enough to be able to speak without a whimper, clearing her throat. "James would want us to be strong. He'd want us to be strong for each other and for Harry. He....he wouldn't want us feeling guilty...or....." The redhead's voice cracked and she took another breath, letting it out after a moment as a tear slid down her right cheek.
"Or wishing it were one of us." Merlin help her, she'd had the thought more than once since being left here with her little boy. She knew that wasn't what James would want, and even amidst her emotion, Lily knew what her husband wanted. Getting there was going to take time, but by Merlin they were going to get there. Period. She wouldn't disappoint him, and Sirius didn't have a choice in the matter.
The had to be strong. They had to keep moving forward. The just had to let the emotion out first....then they'd focus on moving forward, Lily swore to herself.
MISTAKES WERE MADE
War, and Voldemort, had put them in the predicament that they had been backed into. If there was anyone to blame for this it was him, and those that did his bidding. The loving mother felt like anything but with the fiery rage bubbling in her gut, thinking about the friend that had obviously betrayed them. Nobody had known. Nobody had any clue of what that awful, lump of a human being had been up to.
She couldn't blame Sirius for trying to do everything that he could to protect them....that was all that he had ever done, in his own special way. He would have died rather than hurt James; Lily didn't doubt that fact, and in fact, knew it down to her bones. Remus wouldn't have either, but their group of friends had been at...a crossroads of sorts. The war had been taking a toll on everyone, and Lily had been able to see it all too keenly. War seemed to manage to wear away at even the most solid of bonds. She had assumed that Peter and her husband, as well as the rest of them, had had one of those solid bonds.
She couldn't manage to hold onto the anger long enough to have any real urge to do anything with it, not right now, and certainly not with the loss still so...fresh. Lily wasn't a violent person; she had a temper, but she didn't normally want to hurt people. There was a part of her that wanted to hurt Peter, but she knew that it wouldn't bring James back. There was nothing that was going to bring the love of her life back. She was a widow now, and even if it still caused her pause and she still felt the urge to let the tears for what would never be flow....Lily knew that she couldn't change it. Eventually, she would reach her quota for tears, though, she wasn't sure if that was the absolute truth. Could you ever cry enough tears for someone that you really love and miss, for the rest of your life? James wouldn't want her to cry over him forever, but she could feel the loss deep in her chest.
He wouldn't be back, though, either way. Lily had to remember that fact. She couldn't be...ignorant. She had to face the truth and she needed to continue the move forward because of what she did have to forge forward for.
Burying her face into Sirius' shoulder for a moment, Lily knew that he wasn't a replacement for James. He'd never be him. James wasn't an option now, though. HE was the next best thing, though, because he had known her husband for so long. The two of them had been as thick as thieves. He'd make sure that Harry knew his father, even if just through the stories that he could tell. Lily had never thought that she would be a single mother. She had always thought that either she and James would be alive to raise their son....or neither would. The idea that she would have to do it on her own....it was new and daunting.
Sirius wasn't Harry's father. He wasn't James. But he would help. Remus too if they were ever allowed to come out of hiding, she was sure. Would they, though?
Pulling her face back, Lily slid a hand up to the back of Sirius' head, a few tears escaping green eyes that were already sore and heavy. "You can't fix it, love." She whispered, her throat sore from everything, and from the emotion that she was doing her damnedest to hold in. They were both the biggest of messes at the moment. I was clear to see that the pain he felt was....immeasurable, just like her own, even if it was a different sort of loss. Lily wasn't selfish enough to pretend that he wasn't suffering just as much as she was. He'd been friends with James much longer than the two of them had been in a relationship; he'd lost the person who had always been there for him, everything else be damned, and she knew that....even with the grief, anger, sadness, self-pity, and everything that she was struggling to maintain at the moment.
Shushing her friend, James' friend, Lily ran her hand down the back of his head and then down to his back where she began to run soothing circles between his shoulder blades. She'd wished there had been someone to do this for her, initially, and nobody had. She wouldn't ever dream of abandoning him, of truly pulling away, in this situation. "I know, I know." Lily soothed, a thick lump in her throat, just holding him, knowing that all she could do for her husband's brother was let him get it out and be there. "I miss him too, Sirius, but we can't....." Her breath an out and Lily was forced to suck a deep breath in, trying to focus on the feel of his shirt under her palm and not the pain, not the lifeless eyes looking up at her without his glasses...and certainly not the last things he'd yelled out, his attempt to protect his family. "We can't go back and change what happened. He can't be here, love. And he'd never ask you to give everything up for him."
Lily could feel the heat in her face from her efforts to be strong. If she kept trying, eventually she would get there, she hoped. Right now, she still felt weak. James would have been the first to tell her she was being ridiculous. The thought almost shattered her then and there, but she kept it together. For now, anyway.
"I would never ask you either." Lily pulled back, forcing herself to, so that she could grasp her friend's shoulders and look at him. "James...." Saying his name brought more tears flooding into her eyes and Lily paused just long enough to be able to speak without a whimper, clearing her throat. "James would want us to be strong. He'd want us to be strong for each other and for Harry. He....he wouldn't want us feeling guilty...or....." The redhead's voice cracked and she took another breath, letting it out after a moment as a tear slid down her right cheek.
"Or wishing it were one of us." Merlin help her, she'd had the thought more than once since being left here with her little boy. She knew that wasn't what James would want, and even amidst her emotion, Lily knew what her husband wanted. Getting there was going to take time, but by Merlin they were going to get there. Period. She wouldn't disappoint him, and Sirius didn't have a choice in the matter.
The had to be strong. They had to keep moving forward. The just had to let the emotion out first....then they'd focus on moving forward, Lily swore to herself.