"We've all been falling apart." His voice was flat as well, and he couldn't look her in the eye when he said it. "I think you have most reason out of all of us to do so."
Once Sirius had returned and Lily informed him that Harry was sleeping peacefully in the other room he couldn't help but cover his mouth with his hand, his head turning away from her and his eyes closing. He was here. He was safe. Her offer to let him check in on the child sent an overwhelming urge to stand and run to the bedroom through him but he held back, uncertain as to whether or not he should. Lily was here and she needed him, Sirius wasn't sure if he was comfortable leaving her on the couch by herself, not with that shaken, distant look in her eye. She wouldn't lie about Harry being safe, but it was Harry. Sirius hadn't seen the boy since before his first birthday, when Lily and James went into hiding that was the last time he had seen his godson. And Merlin, did Sirius love that baby... he loved him more than he thought he could love anything. Harry wasn't his son, but Sirius was his godfather and he had never held a title so sacred in his life; a Black, a Gryffindor, a rebel, an Auror, a best man, a friend, a brother, even a Secret Keeper for a short amount of time. None of them came close to the importance that he felt when it came to little Harry, and that was overwhelming enough to have him look at Lily and reach out to grasp her hand.
"I'll be right back." He promised her quietly. "I'll be right back, I'm just - I'll be right back, I want to see him." He brought Lily's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it in apology before he stood and walked hurriedly to Harry's bedroom door, his footing light to avoid waking the boy. Sirius cracked the door open, telling himself that he would just take a peek and return to Lily as soon as he could, but he froze in the doorway when he saw the toddler sitting up in his crib, quiet and content with staring out the window at the half moon in the sky. The sound of the door opening had caught his attention and Harry looked over with big eyes wide awake, staring at the man in the doorway, and in that moment Sirius found that he wasn't able to breathe.
"Now what are you doing up?" He managed to choke out the words, finding the strength to walk in, and curious little eyes followed him as he approached before releasing a sound that resembled a choked, sad huff of laughter. "Look at you, full head of hair... look how big you've gotten..." Months. It had been over four months since Sirius had last seen his godson, and four months sounded so short until he saw the physical changes in Harry. He stood beside the crib with uncertainty, looking down at the little boy with only the light of the moon outside to guide his vision, and he pushed his fingers through his hair in anxiety. Four months. The little bugger probably didn't even remember him-
"Up."
Harry's stubby arms reached out into the air, and apparently Sirius' stunned silence had gone on too long because he gave a frustrated grunt and waved his little hands. "Pads. Up. Up."
Sirius didn't know when his vision started to blur, but he scooped Harry up in his arms so quickly that the toddler giggled, as if they were playing a game. Sirius embraced him tightly with a hand on the back of his head, his lips pressed against a chubby cheek in a long kiss before he parted to suck in a shuddering breath. "That's my lad. So brave. So brave," Sirius rocked him, peppering kisses on Harry's thick head of hair as he swayed with him back and forth, one hand moving to wipe under his own eyes with another weak, thick laugh. "Look at you little fawn. Not so little anymore, hmm?" He wished that James could see this. He wished that James could be here to laugh at how ridiculous Sirius was being, and mock him for showing emotion because 'feelings aren't very badass, Padfoot.' Most of all, Sirius wished he was here for Harry, because he deserved to be held by his father. His real father. He deserved to remember him, and know what he looked like. He deserved to remember the sound of James' voice, or his first scolding. He deserved to be able to make disgusted sounds when he saw his parents kissing, he deserved to be taught how to play Quidditch or to have someone there to talk to him about girls, and tell him first hand the ridiculous story that as how his parents fell in love first hand. He deserved James, and even if Sirius was the best damn godfather in the world, he could never be James.
"No." Harry protested in light confusion as a little hand covered Sirius' eye, wiping up his tears and dragging his hand on Sirius' shirt. Sirius took a deep breath and shook his head, a small smile forced to the surface. "Don't you tell me 'no', I've had a long month, you."
Harry grinned and clapped his hands together, delighted to be given the opportunity to disagree. "No!"
Perhaps parts of James would never die after all.
"Ah, that's going to be lovely, I can already tell. Let's go see Mummy, I think that she needs company right now."
"Mumma!"
"Mhm, that's right." Sirius shifted Harry in his arms more comfortably before turning to walk out of the room, seeing Lily still on the couch as he returned to her. "Someone was awake," he explained quietly, Harry too distracted with Sirius' hair to give Lily his full attention.
"Mumma, Pads." He announced Sirius' presence, little fingers playing with the long black strands. Sirius sat beside Lily again, Harry content for now sitting in his lap and playing with the buttons of his shirt, and Sirius moved a free hand to brush Lily's hair out of her tear-stained face. "Everybody thought you were gone," he admitted quietly, lips pressed together in a thin line. Everybody but him, but that was more out of denial. Not evidence. Sirius just got lucky.
DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY EMOTIONS.
Once Sirius had returned and Lily informed him that Harry was sleeping peacefully in the other room he couldn't help but cover his mouth with his hand, his head turning away from her and his eyes closing. He was here. He was safe. Her offer to let him check in on the child sent an overwhelming urge to stand and run to the bedroom through him but he held back, uncertain as to whether or not he should. Lily was here and she needed him, Sirius wasn't sure if he was comfortable leaving her on the couch by herself, not with that shaken, distant look in her eye. She wouldn't lie about Harry being safe, but it was Harry. Sirius hadn't seen the boy since before his first birthday, when Lily and James went into hiding that was the last time he had seen his godson. And Merlin, did Sirius love that baby... he loved him more than he thought he could love anything. Harry wasn't his son, but Sirius was his godfather and he had never held a title so sacred in his life; a Black, a Gryffindor, a rebel, an Auror, a best man, a friend, a brother, even a Secret Keeper for a short amount of time. None of them came close to the importance that he felt when it came to little Harry, and that was overwhelming enough to have him look at Lily and reach out to grasp her hand.
"I'll be right back." He promised her quietly. "I'll be right back, I'm just - I'll be right back, I want to see him." He brought Lily's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it in apology before he stood and walked hurriedly to Harry's bedroom door, his footing light to avoid waking the boy. Sirius cracked the door open, telling himself that he would just take a peek and return to Lily as soon as he could, but he froze in the doorway when he saw the toddler sitting up in his crib, quiet and content with staring out the window at the half moon in the sky. The sound of the door opening had caught his attention and Harry looked over with big eyes wide awake, staring at the man in the doorway, and in that moment Sirius found that he wasn't able to breathe.
"Now what are you doing up?" He managed to choke out the words, finding the strength to walk in, and curious little eyes followed him as he approached before releasing a sound that resembled a choked, sad huff of laughter. "Look at you, full head of hair... look how big you've gotten..." Months. It had been over four months since Sirius had last seen his godson, and four months sounded so short until he saw the physical changes in Harry. He stood beside the crib with uncertainty, looking down at the little boy with only the light of the moon outside to guide his vision, and he pushed his fingers through his hair in anxiety. Four months. The little bugger probably didn't even remember him-
"Up."
Harry's stubby arms reached out into the air, and apparently Sirius' stunned silence had gone on too long because he gave a frustrated grunt and waved his little hands. "Pads. Up. Up."
Sirius didn't know when his vision started to blur, but he scooped Harry up in his arms so quickly that the toddler giggled, as if they were playing a game. Sirius embraced him tightly with a hand on the back of his head, his lips pressed against a chubby cheek in a long kiss before he parted to suck in a shuddering breath. "That's my lad. So brave. So brave," Sirius rocked him, peppering kisses on Harry's thick head of hair as he swayed with him back and forth, one hand moving to wipe under his own eyes with another weak, thick laugh. "Look at you little fawn. Not so little anymore, hmm?" He wished that James could see this. He wished that James could be here to laugh at how ridiculous Sirius was being, and mock him for showing emotion because 'feelings aren't very badass, Padfoot.' Most of all, Sirius wished he was here for Harry, because he deserved to be held by his father. His real father. He deserved to remember him, and know what he looked like. He deserved to remember the sound of James' voice, or his first scolding. He deserved to be able to make disgusted sounds when he saw his parents kissing, he deserved to be taught how to play Quidditch or to have someone there to talk to him about girls, and tell him first hand the ridiculous story that as how his parents fell in love first hand. He deserved James, and even if Sirius was the best damn godfather in the world, he could never be James.
"No." Harry protested in light confusion as a little hand covered Sirius' eye, wiping up his tears and dragging his hand on Sirius' shirt. Sirius took a deep breath and shook his head, a small smile forced to the surface. "Don't you tell me 'no', I've had a long month, you."
Harry grinned and clapped his hands together, delighted to be given the opportunity to disagree. "No!"
Perhaps parts of James would never die after all.
"Ah, that's going to be lovely, I can already tell. Let's go see Mummy, I think that she needs company right now."
"Mumma!"
"Mhm, that's right." Sirius shifted Harry in his arms more comfortably before turning to walk out of the room, seeing Lily still on the couch as he returned to her. "Someone was awake," he explained quietly, Harry too distracted with Sirius' hair to give Lily his full attention.
"Mumma, Pads." He announced Sirius' presence, little fingers playing with the long black strands. Sirius sat beside Lily again, Harry content for now sitting in his lap and playing with the buttons of his shirt, and Sirius moved a free hand to brush Lily's hair out of her tear-stained face. "Everybody thought you were gone," he admitted quietly, lips pressed together in a thin line. Everybody but him, but that was more out of denial. Not evidence. Sirius just got lucky.